True Heart Break

I was always worried that this would happen and tonight he admitted it. I am glad he has because it must have been weighing on his mind and his guilt for a long time. My son, who I love most in this world, has admitted that he is embarrassed by me and his dad. He see's how the other kids look at us and has heard others kids say things after we have walked by like "Oh My God Look How Fat They Are!" And "Look At Her Skin, What Is It?" and other things he didn't want to tell me. He started to cry and he said he felt so bad. I cant be mad at him, these are honest feelings. I asked if he loved me and he said yes, then I asked if he loved his dad and he said yes. So I told him the truth, that as long as he loves us it doesn't matter. He gets jealous because other kids parents can run around with them and play with them and other active things. He see's that they are skinny and fit and the other kids don't say mean things about them. I held in my tears until we were done watching our t.v show and then kissed and hugged him goodnight and quietly cried in the bathroom. It would hurt him beyond measure if he seen how hurt I am and I can't do that to him. He has had to do without his whole life because of my weight. My psoriasis has been an issue for me since I got it after being severely sun burned when I was 12. It didn't come in until I w as 15 and spread due to a shot the first dermatologist I seen gave me. But it is bad and covers most of my body. So add that to my super morbidly obese body and I am a side show freak.  I will try even harder now to lose weight and do what I can to cover my skin, but unfortunately my face and ears and hands are pretty much covered. My insurance sucks and I can not afford to pay for humeria which clears me up really good. So I can only really work on my weight and pray that a miracle happens. I love the show Extreme Weight Loss with Chris Powell and have thought to write a letter to him for me and my husband. My son and I was watching and he asked me to please write a letter because he wants us to be healthy. So I told him that maybe he should write a letter and pour out all of his feelings in it and I wont be mad about anything he says. That is what started his tearful confession tonight. If I thought I had a chance to be chosen out of the hundreds of people who write to him I Would do it in a heartbeat. But I dont have that kind of luck. OK Its getting really hard to see through my tears. 
Later. 

First Time I made Chili!

So far it sucks!!! I was so excited but after adding all the seasoning it was a disappointment. My mom says its spicy enough but it doesn't take like chili! I know it doesn't taste like chili! I want it to taste like chili! I should have just used the box mix of seasoning. the only ingredients I didn't have were oregano and that majordomo stuff ( I know that's not the name but I always call it that) I see the box stuff has a few added seasonings paprika and cayenne pepper. I wish I would have done more research on chili before jumping in. But I have to be positive. I felt this way about my lasagna mix the first time I was making it. So I hope and pray it turns out edible! So if it does turn out good I am going to post the ingredients. If it doesn't well I will still post them so you know what NOT to do! hahaha. OK so other then this set back its been a good and busy day! That's good. I'm pretty happy. Ill post a different blog about the rest of the happening of the day! Laters!

Kinda Sorta Awak

Well Miss Bella Boo (big fat cat) has woken me up for the 2nd morning in a row. This time carrying a red stuffed mouse around in her mouth. I try to get her to come to me to play with it but no, its her baby not a toy so she doesn't want to play. Just meow and move from place to place. The hubby snores softly behind me on the couch as my bed is the floor with two double folded blankets and this weird blanket sheet thing to cover them. Everyone else is sleeping too. I wish it were that easy for me. The stress my family has been under lately helps me to stay awake. Though my eyes are burning from wanting to shut my mind is telling them to deal with it they have gotten even less sleep many other times. I went to sleep around 1:30/2:00 a.m so I have not gotten that much sleep as it is. In a few hours everyone will be awake, my sis (who shares this apartment with our mom and now has graciously saved us from sleeping in our van) will get up first then get ready and leave for work, then I get up, usually before the 6:30 alarm to wake my almost 12 year old son up to get him ready for school. Since the honers (aka hubby) doesn't have to be to work until 12:34 this afternoon he will continue to sleep while I get dressed and take our son to school. Then I when I get back he will be awake and playing Madden 25 on the XBOX 360 and playing Avengers on Facebook and I Will be wishing my bed blankets were still laying out on the floor so I could crawl down and go back to sleep. But he will play until almost to late and ask me to make his lunch for work while he showers. I'll ride with him praying the entire time that we make it there safely after he informs me that he doesn't want to hear anything about how fast he's driving since he doesn't want to be late to work. Now don't get me wrong he is a good guy and if I really really really really cant get up he will take our son to school, but that's usually only if he has to go somewhere before work or I really really really really don't feel well or am having pain. He isn't a bad guy at all, he just needs his sleep to keep aware at work. Him working right now is super important for us even if he doesn't make enough for us to move into our own place. I am looking and have been looking for a job and am having no luck. Dang my age, weight, skin disease and lack of outside the home job skills. Ive done day care most of my life and the kids don't care what I look like. but i am almost positive businesses don't want a morbidly obese lady with psoriasis showing all over to great their guests! I know, i know, i cant thing this way but this is when the "sometimes its a pity party' hits! DON'T worry it never lasts long.
Oh wait I think my eyes are winning over my brain right now! I am going to try to go catch some more ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz's before I have to get up with the alarm.  Laters!