If I strangle My husband Due To Starvation is it murder???

Ok so its the end of the month and we are SUPER low on food. This is the worse month it has been in a long time, why? Could be because my skinny mother eats like she has a tape worm, or we bought for two other people and didnt get as much meat as we usually do because my sisters freezer is so dang small. Whatever the reason it sucks! So we have no money until tomorrow and nobody to barrow from. So there has been a lone can of pork and beans in the pantry for a week at least. I tell my hubby I am going to eat it, he threw a FIT! So I didnt eat them. Today they are still there, he hasn't eatten them, well I was going to eat them, 'Oh so you are going to eat them? After I said I was going to eat them." So he pisses me off and I decide screw you I am not eating anything! So they go in the fridge and he still sits there in front of the TV playing Madden 25! He is lucky this isn't our house or he would be wearing the damn pork and beans!

My Pelvic Ultrasound and MIssing Period all in the same week.

So I have been doing a  ton of reading and even though I already knew about CM I am now an expert on the differences (according to What To Expect Before You're Expecting) and realized that according to my CM I should be BD with DH. Well by the end of the night next morning it looked like AF was here. UGH! I was angry thinking I wouldn't be able to have my pelvic ultrasound but I called the imagining office and they said to still come in they do them all the time. Luckily Im not having a heavy flow yet so it wasn't to bad. Now I have to wait til next Wednesday to see my OBGYN for results finding out if I really have PCOS and what is going on with my Baby Making Gear. So AF came yesterday off and on, at least I'm thinking that's why I'm bleeding a bit but since i haven't had it since July I was expecting heavy like it was then. Oh well I will just go with the 'Flow'. The Hunners had an ultrasound on his 'Boys' this morning after my appointment. He still needs to take in a sperm sample but he says he will wait until we have more gas to go to the lab he has to turn it in at as well as the lab I need to do my blood draw at. The waiting game begins and I have SO many thoughts and questions. I am thinking of starting another blog just for this journey to baby. Maybe it will help other women. I am about to read the blog of The Story Of Ben. So maybe I will get some ideas on how to do it better then this one flows. Have a great one!

Discovered through reading

So while I was waiting at the Department of Social Services I was reading my book What to Expect Before You're Expecting and found another medical condition that screams THIS IS ME! Hypothyroidism- thinning hair, depression, weight gain, dry skin, low energy, constipation, irregular and abnormal periods, and problems getting pregnant. This as well as the PCOS have soooo many symptoms that are what I have been going through for the last at least 8 years and have never been tested for! WTH! I am so glad that my new doctor is so awesome. I am going to call his office and ask if he had me tested for this yet and if not can he order it for me. I am pretty sure he would agree! I just dont understand why my other doctor didnt order these tests years ago I will never know. Whats the point of having insurance if they don't take care of you? OK well Im gonna head on over to my Baby Center groups and check in with the ladies there going through what I am. Have a great one!

Being Poor Sucks!

So ya since my first divorce I had been off and on with the Welfare system here. I would get lucky and find a good job and get off of aide until the job ended for whatever reason. Then I got remarried and my husband worked so we didn't need benefits. But since he and I have both been out of work we have been on Food Stamps and Medical. Since Unemployment has taken so long we decided to apply for cash aide for at least three months, or until I find a job or unemployment kicks in which ever happened first. Well in California a welfare investigator has to come out to make sure you are living with and where you say you are. OK no problem, please come I am not hiding anything, oh wait was I supposed to report the cats? Oops. Anyway they were given our house number and told that the cell phone is off so not a good number to use. The worker writes it down. I had to turn in the last of the paper work today so asked about the investigator. They looked it up and said that the investigator already attempted contact and that the cell phone number wasn't good. Well NO FREAKING DUH!!!!! So she made a note and said she would ask them to resubmit the request. So because they screwed up we are still waiting for the so much needed cash aide. My husband donates plasma twice a week because that's the limit they allow, for gas just to get my son to and from school and us to our doctors appointments, not to mention bread and milk. THIS SUCKS!

Dunno What To Title This One.

Good Morning. No sleeping in the morning either! Well the hubby made me two over easy egg sandwiches and I had a coffee cup full of fat free milk. Then I had to muck that all up with some garlic Ritz crackers while I read my Johanna Lindsey Novel! Oh well I guess I will balance that out with cereal for lunch. I am going for a walk this evening after dinner whether I have to go alone or not. I explained to the Hunners last night that I am changing the things in my life that i have control over and my health is the main thing I can do something about. So that is that. You should have seen his face when I told him eventually I wanted to start running. He said that he was losing weight with what he was doing. Just laying around eating healthier. I want to be under 300lbs in 4 years so I gotta be more proactive. So yea. This week we have ultrasounds to do and I have labs for two doctors to do. After that I think we are done this week with Doctors. Next week I will have to go through the uterine scrape and at that time I will hopefully get the results of my ultrasound. Then I will go from their. HOPEFULLY this appointment will also result in new medication to jump start my periods! Wish me luck!

I love my husband But....

Grrrr my husband can drive me nuts! He is step dad and only dad to my son and has been for the last 3 almost 4 years. He has never been a parent before and he is to hard on my son and even though I know he loves him and my son loves him back, he just doesn't understand parenting. He wont take parenting classes and when I suggest that he take them he throws it at me that I am not the best mom and I need to take them too. He infuriates me so bad. I can never have a conversation with him about things he may be doing wrong or tell him how I feel without him taking it as a personal attack! Its ridiculous! I'm tired of people trying to make me the other parent. I AM HIS MOM! I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM! BACK OFF!!!!

What I did today that worked and what failed.

Well.... my patience didn't really work this morning. I forgot for a minute that I was going to be trying to follow the Fireproof promise and when I realized what I was doing I stopped, prayed for help and just stopped talking. I finished folding the bedding and cleaned up the coffee table before going to get dressed and preparing to leave to the library. I noticed that once I stopped responding to my husbands childishness he stopped acting the fool and got off of his game (Madden 25) and took me to the library. The books they had available for what I have been researching, PCOS and infertility issues, were old the newest one, the one I checked out is What to Expect before your Expecting, or something like that and that was published in 2009. So I got something. Plus I got an old Johanna Lindsey book for 50 cents.
As for the healthy stuff......I had cake and Ice Cream for breakfast. HAHAHA. Well it is the day after my birthday and I wanted to get it out of the house. LOL. Ok but I did better for lunch. We had left over shredded chicken tacos. we made it from boiled and seasoned chicken breast and added a jar of salsa. Fat free sour cream and shredded cheese. See healthy. And for dinner I am planning on having left over homemade bean chili. All I have to drink today is water, so that is good too.

The Hubby is mad that I didn't back him up during an issue with my son (he is step dad) but I am still trying to teach my husband to pick his battles and not be so hard on him. So he is being childish..... again. This is going to be harder then I realized, being patient with my husband.
Well my son wants me to make him a blog so I gotta go for now, then its reading time for me.

A New Year Begins

So I turned 36 years old yesterday. I keep saying I have let go of the past, but I don't think I really have. I want to, let it all go, because if I don't I really can't move on to the present or the future. So I am going to give it a try. Also I am going to take the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof. I think that it will not only help my marriage but also my relationship with my son. We don't have a bad marriage or a bad relationship with my son I just think following through and really working on each day will help me mellow out and relax so I can be a better wife and mother. I am slowly losing the extreme amount of weight I have gained throughout my life, I was 413lbs at my OBGYN appointment On October 22nd. Unintentionally I have been eating smaller meals more often, my activity level still sucks, but I need to force myself to make it happen at least 45 minutes everyday. I'm not going to lie, this probably means walking back and forth up and down the hallways here in the apartments for a while then around the block and up and down the stairs after I master each step. Once I'm not gasping for breath Ill take it to the park, let Joshua ride his bike while I walk faster around the built in sidewalk track, eventually I am going to start RUNNING! Scary thought I know but if the fatties ( I say this affectionately because I am one) on Extreme Weight Loss Can Run their first day with Chris then I can start running after I master walking for exercise and not necessity, but then again exercise IS a necessity too! I'm very excited. OK So I feel like a new speed for this Blog and a new hope for my life!

A Sad Day For A Birthday

My nephew killed himself on my birthday 2 years ago. Its a day I will always remember. He is my nephew by friendship and love not by blood but he was family non the less. At the time of his death we were not on good terms nor was I on good terms with his mom. She asked for me to be a part of things and brought us all back together for a while. Then my son had a mental break the following June due to the death of his best friend, Buddy the Wonder Dog, and then the death of my Nephew who my son really loved. No those weren't the only reasons, he had been being bullied by kids he had once been friends with and that was hard for him to understand no matter how I explained it. Also our lives were not very stable for a while at this time and it took his toll on him because he was keeping it all in and i didn't see it. I wish I would have gotten him therapy when things first started happening. I just want today to be a day to remember good times with my nephew and enjoy my family.
You Will Always Be Loved, Remembered, And Missed
R.I.P
Antonio Garcia

Fertility Issues and Medical Mismanagement.....

So I have decided that our medical insurance really sucks. Being told that no insurance covers fertility issues yet ALL of them cover BIRTH CONTROL is ridiculous. I am a WOMAN and I want to Have a BABY and I should be able to talk to my doctor about this issue and I should get all the help he can give me in trying to have a baby. I am turning 36 tomorrow and I have an AMAZING son who is turning 12 this year. When My baby boy was only 5 months old I had an ectopic pregnancy and was devastated. My husband and I divorced not long after and I have not been able to get pregnant since. I was single for 6 years and after that I had a long distance boyfriend that didnt get the job done either the few times we seen each other, and I am glad. I wouldnt want that life time connection with him. But I have been married now since 2010 and we have never used birth control and have yet to get pregnant. My periods have been off since my ectopic pregnancy but I never went to the doctor about it because we didnt always have insurance. But now that I am all they can help me with is the missing periods. So once that is fixed I am going to have to start checking into office visit prices or if my OBGYN will discuss this topic with me under a different visit 'label'. I really hate the feeling I get when I hear someone I know is pregnant. Of course I am happy for them but then I hurt so much. I felt I was jealous and that made me feel so guilty! I pray about it and ask forgiveness because I really dont like feeling that way. I am just going to take this step by step and get the Aunt Flow issue taken care of and then move on to the next step. Hopefully before Im 37 Ill be preggers!  

Baby Blues

I really don't understand how so many people have children and are horrible parents, yet God keeps blessing them. I know his reasons are not for me to know but that is probably my biggest question I would ask him that isn't connected to my family. So I was excited to go to see my OBGYN yesterday because I figured we could talk about my PCOS, which is a new diagnosis from my primary care doc, and then talk about my infertility issues. Well the nurse made it perfectly clear that because I have not had a pelvic ultrasound then she couldn't write down that I was there due to PCOS. Also that no insurances cover fertility issues so she couldn't put down that I wanted to have a baby. So she just put my problem with irregular periods. I talked to the doctor whom I hadn't seen in 8 years and then we went from there. So from thinking I was going to be discussing the diagnosis I was given an order for labs a pelvis ultrasound and then something that has been really bothering me, he let me know that a week after my ultrasound he wants me to come in for a procedure where he will scrap the tissue on my uterus and check it for cancer. Now as far as I know none of the women in my family have had cervical or uterine cancer so I am trying not to worry. Its really hard though. All I was is a normal period so I can try to have another baby before I'm 40! Is that really to much to ask? To Pray for? To Wish For? I know our situation inst super right now, Heck its not even good. But we are trying to make it better. WE don't drink or do drugs we are a family who love each other and even though we fuss and argue a lot right now its because of our current struggles. So I know we are not that bad of people! UGH! OK well I need to run this through Spell Check and then go get my Baby boy from school, its his half day!