soooooo pissed off

i am so mad right now. my husband who i am also pissed at at the moment is on unemployment and since day one they have screwed him. we have been waiting for his last payment so we could christmas shop. a lousey 500 bucks for our storage payment some laundry soap and christmas dinner foods then christmas gifts. but no no no. today we got the paper he mailed in back. supposidly he messed it up. so now no money no christmas dinner no presents from santa  for our son and no storage payment. we have lost everything weve owned over these last few years and now we are losing the rest. not to mention we have not been able to pay car insurance and i received a letter from dmv saying my registration will be suspended. just a perfect start to a new year. i try to vent to my husband that its going to take forever to get the money because of all the days off for the holidays. but he says to me that he probably screwed it up because i was talking then too. so now i talk to much and im upset he said that and he gets mad because im pissed at him. im so tired of life shitting on us.

its raining.....its pouring....i love it

the rain is pouring down hard right now and im loving it. all lights are off except the red white and blue of the christmas tree. im watching pride and prejudice while the hunners sleeps. we were at the er from 2am til 630 due to him being naughty and eating what he shouldnt since he has gal stones. though the er doc said his gal bladder wasnt enlarged or inflammed and they couldnt see the stones. i was surprised because 2 months ago we were told he had some rather large stones and a bunch of sludge. so home we came with zoloft and norco. hes been in bed all day and thats ok because ive never seen him cry because of pain.
while out at wal mart with my mom to get the hunners meds a little boy got lost from his mom and walked by at least 2 employees who did nothing. i was enraged. another woman reached him before i did and took him to the operator to page him mom and i went to speak to a manager. first thing i told her was i know its not the employees responsibility to babysit but when a child walks by crying for their momma at least ask the child if they are lost and help them. i have been in the same store when they called a code adam for a lost child and closed down the store until the child was found. she went and spoke with the two employees  and apologized to me.
next topic..... im a hypocrit... i hardly post in either of my blogs but it drives me crazy when the blogs i follow dont have updates every few days. its because i  read these heart wrenching blogs and need to know whats happening. i know some people have viewed my blogs but nobody has left a comment and thats ok. i just dont think anyone follows my boring blogs and nothing is going on so i dont have anything worth posting. also posting from my phone sucks. i cant use caps or exclimation points or anything other then a period.. very frustraiting.... ok laters

Looking for work

The Hunners and I are at the Library once again looking for jobs. He has a better time of it because he has more experience in areas where there are jobs available. I am going to go by the Career college by the mall to see if they are finally signing students up since they never called me back. I am also going to go to the school districts and apply there. Even if the hunners gets a job it has to pay a good amount for us to get into a place.So I really need to have more then just child support coming in! i have hooked up with three temp services but have not had any leads at all and they basically told me it's because i dont have a lot of history. I have spent most of my life working as a day care provider from my home. So that isnt a lot of work history for what I am looking for now. Our son has a semi formal winter dance tomorrow and I need to get his nice clothes washed tonight for him. It will be nice for him. The do a dance once a month and it's only $5 a pop and they have snacks too. He has gone to 2 already and he has had a really good time at them both so I have high hopes for tomorrow as well. I just wish we werent so broke. Oh well. Had a nice lunch with the hunners today at the mall and then went to See's candy where he bought me a candy that i love but can't spell, (bordoux??) That was our splurge for the week. We are waiting for his next unemployment paper to come in so we can mail it out. But we were already told he cant send it in til Sunday and we may get the payment 2 or 3 days before Christmas! Good thing we did shopping ahead of time. We are doing cake Saturday for Joshua but we dont have anywhere to go where we can invite his friends to come. It sucks! Next year I am doing a summer party for him so we can actually have a party! Ok well My time is almost up on the computer! Laters

Finally a job but its making me sad!

My husband decided not to have gal bladder surgery so we decided he needed to look for a job since he has more job history then I do and he usually finds a job rather fast when he starts looking. Well he no longer wants to do security so he applied to do another truck driving job, flatbed trucks. I couldnt help but cry when he told me that a woman called him back and told him he could go to their school as soon as this weekend. We decided that this weekend was too soon since we didnt have any money to send him out with. They provide lodging, breakfast and lunch but that is only while he is doing training and not the over the road training. She said something about him making $375 while training but that he has to be a security fee of $25 a day so that takes $175 off of that pay so he will be making $200 a week, that is just over what he is getting for unemployment and if that is the case he might as well just stay home. He will need to use that money for feeding himself between paydays so there will be no money to send home for us to get an apartment. He is going to call them back today to get more details but that is if his mom comes. She is on her way but it takes time to get here from downtown. We also just found out from his little brother who shares an apartment with her that she is doing drugs again, we dont know if this is true since he has not seen her do it but the signs are all there as well as her friend telling their son she is doing drugs. Man its freezing in the library today! Ok I am gonna go for now! Have a great day!

Mind Your Own Business!

I got upstairs to my mom's this morning and when i went to wake up my son for school I found an envelope for my mother from my sister. My Husband and I are sleeping in our van right outside their complex so that we can still spend as much time with our son as possible and also we keep our food their and shower there, so we are only 'homeless' at night. Anyway I knew there was going to be something about us in this letter. Finally my mom got up and read the letter and handed me each page after she read them. 3 pages front and back! Ok first off my husband and I had to be out two days before Thanksgiving and that time was given to us because my nephew was going to be coming to visit after he graduated from the Marine Corp boot camp. This was understandable. It also wasn't a big deal at the time that we started staying with them because my husband was working! We were not planning on being their longer then it would take us to find an apartment. Well he lost his job and we found out he needed surgery shortly after. Anyway my mom has been trying to get us to stay upstairs instead of sleep in the van. I dont know if I have said this before but my mom is super duper hard of hearing. Her last remaining ear drum is super damaged and she wont take the steps needed to get her a hearing aide, so even though i explained to her the situation of our staying there and sleeping in the van she still choses to interfere. So last night after we went to the van she asked my sister why we couldn't stay since my nephew never came to visit after gradutation? I was mad that she asked because I know how my sister is. We are not close at all but that's not a big deal anymore. The things that made me mad is my sister started say things in the letter that were not right. She knows our mom is a messy person, I am not a neat freak either but if I drop something on the ground I pick it up and I am a lot neater when I am at someone elses house. My mom makes some toast or a sandwich and she leaves crumbs all over the place, yet my sister is saying that she noticed the entire time we stayed up stairs that our living area's were messy and that we used all the dishes and my mom was the one washing them. OH MY GOSH!!! My mom will use almost every dish before washing them. She is one person and she isnt fat like we are but she eats more then we do and she eats like every hour! I love my mom and I am thankful my sister let us stay there when she did but the times she didnt have her own place she had her sister and friends to help her out. It was just her. I have my husband and my son. The times I let my sister live with  me after she was evicted by the same landlord I had he told me not to let them move in but I did. she was there with my nieces a lot longer then 2 months. She was saying in this letter how there are programs out there to help us and that I am making excuses when I say I wont take my son out of his school. He has self esteem issues and has had bullying problems in the past and he is doing well in his school and I am not willing to make his life any harder then what it has to be. She also mentioned that if we can play video games and play on the computer we can get jobs. Ummmmmmm no SHIT! We have both been looking for jobs but the phone she so graciously put out in the living room for us to use is no longer available since she didn't pay her bill!!! So hey no phone number no call backs for jobs! DUH!!! We would have our cell on if The Hubbys Unemployment wasnt suspended! Oh and i am not saying she is responsible for us not at all but she was the one who said she would lend us the money to keep our cell on in the first place then instead of saying no she couldnt afford to do that she just put the house phone in the livingroom. Every morning we folded up our blankets and kept a sheet on the bottom and the back of the couch because I have psoriasis a skin disease that causes a lot of dry and shedding skin, I didn't want to have to constantly vaccum the couch, she never sits in the living room anyway. We also had to clean her cats liter box because she wont do it with people sitting on the  couch or chai, and when we aren't there she wouldnt do it because out stuff was close. REALLY please what a bunch of crock! We have been out of their since the day before Thanksgiving and the liter box is disgusting! She had said she cleaned it out every morning! Uh yea no! even before we moved in over there and would go visit my mom it was usually always nasty! I just don't understand people. If she has something to say to me then she should say it to me. I didn't ask my mom to say anything to her and I wouldn't. We are uncomfortable sleeping in the van but who cares, we put ourselves in this situation by not having any savings for the unknown and that's our problem, to me being homeless isnt supposed to be fun or easy. We are doing the best we can regardless of what she or anyone else thinks. It's easy to say what other's are not doing when they are not the ones doing it or going through it! Later

Homeless Kinda Sorta!

So The Hunners and I have been sleeping in the van at night. It's not so bad. Ok so it's really not comfortable. Especially getting up to go to the bathroom! Wow It's usually freezing outside and nice and warm at my mom's house. Our son is up stairs with my mom thank God! If he had no place to go I would have a broken heart because he would be going to live with his Bio Dad even though My Son Doesn't want to ever go visit him again (his words not mine). The Hunners and I are job hunting and have been, but now we have no phone number to put on job applications. Unemployment suspended his checks because of a workshop he had to do which we suposidly go the letter for in 2012! They gave no notice of 'if you don't do this by a certain day we are cutting you off ' we went to the supposid one stop edd office in El Cajon and was told 'oh we don't offer that here' but they do at the EDD in South San Diego! Because of the holidays he has to wait until Next Friday to do the workshop and the woman who told us he was suspended told him he would have to reapply! REALLY??? But they are still sending him the slips to fill out for payment! Then we get a letter saying if he still qualifies for unemployment after his payments are over he will get substancially larger weekly payments in this extension program. So Who knows what will happen after he does his workshop! We just need $50 to turn our crappy bout to bust cell phone back on so we can go back to job hunting! I go to EDD to take advantage of their programs on Monday as long as I am one of the first 14 people in line I will get in. If not then I have to try again on Thursday. The Hunners is taking Our Son to school so he will miss out on it this week. Hopefully I will get in this week then next week I will take Our Son to school so The Hunners can stand in line to get in. OK well that's it. I could go on about how my mother is driving us all insane but that won't help anything. I am here to relax. HAHA. Laters

Tears

Watching the end of this movie and it was about an African American teen moving in with a white family after his Aunt died. He was a part of their family they all loved each other. The Grandfather who was a little old school was a hard piece of work and not until the end when the teens mom had finally decided to come get him and take him away from his 2nd family did the Grandpa run after the car and tell the teen to always remember he had a home there with them that he was family now. I balled my eyes out in fact I am still crying. Yes it was sweet and could have been a tear jerker but I feel I am crying because I still don't have a home of my own. I feel since my Grandma died so long ago that I was on my own. As long as she was alive she was home and if I needed a place to go I could go back home. Being technically homeless these past 3 almost 4 years has been really hard. I just hope and pray that soon, really really soon we find our home. A place where we can set up as ours and not have to worry about when we are going to be kicked out by some psycho redheaded home owner, or wonder if the over priced weekly rent will get paid! When we lived at the motel rent was over $1500 a month! Now there is an apartment right across the street from our son's school and its a one bedroom for $800! More then likely they want us to make double or triple the rent regardless if we can afford to pay $800 a month just fine since the Hunners gets his Unemployment and me getting Child Support and a little big of cash aid for a few months. I am going to look it up and call them. Wish me luck and pray for us if you believe!
Later

Finally!

So we have been waiting and waiting for the welfare investigator to come and finally today he came. He was really nice and we should hopefully hear something from our worker in a few days. We don't expect to get Cash aid for more then October and November since The Hunners didn't start getting his unemployment until last week but that money will give us what we need to get the van taken care of so when the next week an a half flies by we will actually be able to sleep in the van. Jonathan is thinking of going over the road again and if he manages to find something I really don't want to be sleeping in the van alone. So I don't know what is gonna happen. I do not take welfare lightly. We only applied for cash aide after a month of not finding any jobs. We are not the kind of people to take from the Government just because we can. We are very needful right now and that is what it is there for. So if you read this please understand that we are not the people who take advantage of the system. I don't feel good being on the system. So I definitely don't abuse it!

If I strangle My husband Due To Starvation is it murder???

Ok so its the end of the month and we are SUPER low on food. This is the worse month it has been in a long time, why? Could be because my skinny mother eats like she has a tape worm, or we bought for two other people and didnt get as much meat as we usually do because my sisters freezer is so dang small. Whatever the reason it sucks! So we have no money until tomorrow and nobody to barrow from. So there has been a lone can of pork and beans in the pantry for a week at least. I tell my hubby I am going to eat it, he threw a FIT! So I didnt eat them. Today they are still there, he hasn't eatten them, well I was going to eat them, 'Oh so you are going to eat them? After I said I was going to eat them." So he pisses me off and I decide screw you I am not eating anything! So they go in the fridge and he still sits there in front of the TV playing Madden 25! He is lucky this isn't our house or he would be wearing the damn pork and beans!

My Pelvic Ultrasound and MIssing Period all in the same week.

So I have been doing a  ton of reading and even though I already knew about CM I am now an expert on the differences (according to What To Expect Before You're Expecting) and realized that according to my CM I should be BD with DH. Well by the end of the night next morning it looked like AF was here. UGH! I was angry thinking I wouldn't be able to have my pelvic ultrasound but I called the imagining office and they said to still come in they do them all the time. Luckily Im not having a heavy flow yet so it wasn't to bad. Now I have to wait til next Wednesday to see my OBGYN for results finding out if I really have PCOS and what is going on with my Baby Making Gear. So AF came yesterday off and on, at least I'm thinking that's why I'm bleeding a bit but since i haven't had it since July I was expecting heavy like it was then. Oh well I will just go with the 'Flow'. The Hunners had an ultrasound on his 'Boys' this morning after my appointment. He still needs to take in a sperm sample but he says he will wait until we have more gas to go to the lab he has to turn it in at as well as the lab I need to do my blood draw at. The waiting game begins and I have SO many thoughts and questions. I am thinking of starting another blog just for this journey to baby. Maybe it will help other women. I am about to read the blog of The Story Of Ben. So maybe I will get some ideas on how to do it better then this one flows. Have a great one!

Discovered through reading

So while I was waiting at the Department of Social Services I was reading my book What to Expect Before You're Expecting and found another medical condition that screams THIS IS ME! Hypothyroidism- thinning hair, depression, weight gain, dry skin, low energy, constipation, irregular and abnormal periods, and problems getting pregnant. This as well as the PCOS have soooo many symptoms that are what I have been going through for the last at least 8 years and have never been tested for! WTH! I am so glad that my new doctor is so awesome. I am going to call his office and ask if he had me tested for this yet and if not can he order it for me. I am pretty sure he would agree! I just dont understand why my other doctor didnt order these tests years ago I will never know. Whats the point of having insurance if they don't take care of you? OK well Im gonna head on over to my Baby Center groups and check in with the ladies there going through what I am. Have a great one!

Being Poor Sucks!

So ya since my first divorce I had been off and on with the Welfare system here. I would get lucky and find a good job and get off of aide until the job ended for whatever reason. Then I got remarried and my husband worked so we didn't need benefits. But since he and I have both been out of work we have been on Food Stamps and Medical. Since Unemployment has taken so long we decided to apply for cash aide for at least three months, or until I find a job or unemployment kicks in which ever happened first. Well in California a welfare investigator has to come out to make sure you are living with and where you say you are. OK no problem, please come I am not hiding anything, oh wait was I supposed to report the cats? Oops. Anyway they were given our house number and told that the cell phone is off so not a good number to use. The worker writes it down. I had to turn in the last of the paper work today so asked about the investigator. They looked it up and said that the investigator already attempted contact and that the cell phone number wasn't good. Well NO FREAKING DUH!!!!! So she made a note and said she would ask them to resubmit the request. So because they screwed up we are still waiting for the so much needed cash aide. My husband donates plasma twice a week because that's the limit they allow, for gas just to get my son to and from school and us to our doctors appointments, not to mention bread and milk. THIS SUCKS!

Dunno What To Title This One.

Good Morning. No sleeping in the morning either! Well the hubby made me two over easy egg sandwiches and I had a coffee cup full of fat free milk. Then I had to muck that all up with some garlic Ritz crackers while I read my Johanna Lindsey Novel! Oh well I guess I will balance that out with cereal for lunch. I am going for a walk this evening after dinner whether I have to go alone or not. I explained to the Hunners last night that I am changing the things in my life that i have control over and my health is the main thing I can do something about. So that is that. You should have seen his face when I told him eventually I wanted to start running. He said that he was losing weight with what he was doing. Just laying around eating healthier. I want to be under 300lbs in 4 years so I gotta be more proactive. So yea. This week we have ultrasounds to do and I have labs for two doctors to do. After that I think we are done this week with Doctors. Next week I will have to go through the uterine scrape and at that time I will hopefully get the results of my ultrasound. Then I will go from their. HOPEFULLY this appointment will also result in new medication to jump start my periods! Wish me luck!

I love my husband But....

Grrrr my husband can drive me nuts! He is step dad and only dad to my son and has been for the last 3 almost 4 years. He has never been a parent before and he is to hard on my son and even though I know he loves him and my son loves him back, he just doesn't understand parenting. He wont take parenting classes and when I suggest that he take them he throws it at me that I am not the best mom and I need to take them too. He infuriates me so bad. I can never have a conversation with him about things he may be doing wrong or tell him how I feel without him taking it as a personal attack! Its ridiculous! I'm tired of people trying to make me the other parent. I AM HIS MOM! I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM! BACK OFF!!!!

What I did today that worked and what failed.

Well.... my patience didn't really work this morning. I forgot for a minute that I was going to be trying to follow the Fireproof promise and when I realized what I was doing I stopped, prayed for help and just stopped talking. I finished folding the bedding and cleaned up the coffee table before going to get dressed and preparing to leave to the library. I noticed that once I stopped responding to my husbands childishness he stopped acting the fool and got off of his game (Madden 25) and took me to the library. The books they had available for what I have been researching, PCOS and infertility issues, were old the newest one, the one I checked out is What to Expect before your Expecting, or something like that and that was published in 2009. So I got something. Plus I got an old Johanna Lindsey book for 50 cents.
As for the healthy stuff......I had cake and Ice Cream for breakfast. HAHAHA. Well it is the day after my birthday and I wanted to get it out of the house. LOL. Ok but I did better for lunch. We had left over shredded chicken tacos. we made it from boiled and seasoned chicken breast and added a jar of salsa. Fat free sour cream and shredded cheese. See healthy. And for dinner I am planning on having left over homemade bean chili. All I have to drink today is water, so that is good too.

The Hubby is mad that I didn't back him up during an issue with my son (he is step dad) but I am still trying to teach my husband to pick his battles and not be so hard on him. So he is being childish..... again. This is going to be harder then I realized, being patient with my husband.
Well my son wants me to make him a blog so I gotta go for now, then its reading time for me.

A New Year Begins

So I turned 36 years old yesterday. I keep saying I have let go of the past, but I don't think I really have. I want to, let it all go, because if I don't I really can't move on to the present or the future. So I am going to give it a try. Also I am going to take the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof. I think that it will not only help my marriage but also my relationship with my son. We don't have a bad marriage or a bad relationship with my son I just think following through and really working on each day will help me mellow out and relax so I can be a better wife and mother. I am slowly losing the extreme amount of weight I have gained throughout my life, I was 413lbs at my OBGYN appointment On October 22nd. Unintentionally I have been eating smaller meals more often, my activity level still sucks, but I need to force myself to make it happen at least 45 minutes everyday. I'm not going to lie, this probably means walking back and forth up and down the hallways here in the apartments for a while then around the block and up and down the stairs after I master each step. Once I'm not gasping for breath Ill take it to the park, let Joshua ride his bike while I walk faster around the built in sidewalk track, eventually I am going to start RUNNING! Scary thought I know but if the fatties ( I say this affectionately because I am one) on Extreme Weight Loss Can Run their first day with Chris then I can start running after I master walking for exercise and not necessity, but then again exercise IS a necessity too! I'm very excited. OK So I feel like a new speed for this Blog and a new hope for my life!

A Sad Day For A Birthday

My nephew killed himself on my birthday 2 years ago. Its a day I will always remember. He is my nephew by friendship and love not by blood but he was family non the less. At the time of his death we were not on good terms nor was I on good terms with his mom. She asked for me to be a part of things and brought us all back together for a while. Then my son had a mental break the following June due to the death of his best friend, Buddy the Wonder Dog, and then the death of my Nephew who my son really loved. No those weren't the only reasons, he had been being bullied by kids he had once been friends with and that was hard for him to understand no matter how I explained it. Also our lives were not very stable for a while at this time and it took his toll on him because he was keeping it all in and i didn't see it. I wish I would have gotten him therapy when things first started happening. I just want today to be a day to remember good times with my nephew and enjoy my family.
You Will Always Be Loved, Remembered, And Missed
R.I.P
Antonio Garcia

Fertility Issues and Medical Mismanagement.....

So I have decided that our medical insurance really sucks. Being told that no insurance covers fertility issues yet ALL of them cover BIRTH CONTROL is ridiculous. I am a WOMAN and I want to Have a BABY and I should be able to talk to my doctor about this issue and I should get all the help he can give me in trying to have a baby. I am turning 36 tomorrow and I have an AMAZING son who is turning 12 this year. When My baby boy was only 5 months old I had an ectopic pregnancy and was devastated. My husband and I divorced not long after and I have not been able to get pregnant since. I was single for 6 years and after that I had a long distance boyfriend that didnt get the job done either the few times we seen each other, and I am glad. I wouldnt want that life time connection with him. But I have been married now since 2010 and we have never used birth control and have yet to get pregnant. My periods have been off since my ectopic pregnancy but I never went to the doctor about it because we didnt always have insurance. But now that I am all they can help me with is the missing periods. So once that is fixed I am going to have to start checking into office visit prices or if my OBGYN will discuss this topic with me under a different visit 'label'. I really hate the feeling I get when I hear someone I know is pregnant. Of course I am happy for them but then I hurt so much. I felt I was jealous and that made me feel so guilty! I pray about it and ask forgiveness because I really dont like feeling that way. I am just going to take this step by step and get the Aunt Flow issue taken care of and then move on to the next step. Hopefully before Im 37 Ill be preggers!  

Baby Blues

I really don't understand how so many people have children and are horrible parents, yet God keeps blessing them. I know his reasons are not for me to know but that is probably my biggest question I would ask him that isn't connected to my family. So I was excited to go to see my OBGYN yesterday because I figured we could talk about my PCOS, which is a new diagnosis from my primary care doc, and then talk about my infertility issues. Well the nurse made it perfectly clear that because I have not had a pelvic ultrasound then she couldn't write down that I was there due to PCOS. Also that no insurances cover fertility issues so she couldn't put down that I wanted to have a baby. So she just put my problem with irregular periods. I talked to the doctor whom I hadn't seen in 8 years and then we went from there. So from thinking I was going to be discussing the diagnosis I was given an order for labs a pelvis ultrasound and then something that has been really bothering me, he let me know that a week after my ultrasound he wants me to come in for a procedure where he will scrap the tissue on my uterus and check it for cancer. Now as far as I know none of the women in my family have had cervical or uterine cancer so I am trying not to worry. Its really hard though. All I was is a normal period so I can try to have another baby before I'm 40! Is that really to much to ask? To Pray for? To Wish For? I know our situation inst super right now, Heck its not even good. But we are trying to make it better. WE don't drink or do drugs we are a family who love each other and even though we fuss and argue a lot right now its because of our current struggles. So I know we are not that bad of people! UGH! OK well I need to run this through Spell Check and then go get my Baby boy from school, its his half day!

True Heart Break

I was always worried that this would happen and tonight he admitted it. I am glad he has because it must have been weighing on his mind and his guilt for a long time. My son, who I love most in this world, has admitted that he is embarrassed by me and his dad. He see's how the other kids look at us and has heard others kids say things after we have walked by like "Oh My God Look How Fat They Are!" And "Look At Her Skin, What Is It?" and other things he didn't want to tell me. He started to cry and he said he felt so bad. I cant be mad at him, these are honest feelings. I asked if he loved me and he said yes, then I asked if he loved his dad and he said yes. So I told him the truth, that as long as he loves us it doesn't matter. He gets jealous because other kids parents can run around with them and play with them and other active things. He see's that they are skinny and fit and the other kids don't say mean things about them. I held in my tears until we were done watching our t.v show and then kissed and hugged him goodnight and quietly cried in the bathroom. It would hurt him beyond measure if he seen how hurt I am and I can't do that to him. He has had to do without his whole life because of my weight. My psoriasis has been an issue for me since I got it after being severely sun burned when I was 12. It didn't come in until I w as 15 and spread due to a shot the first dermatologist I seen gave me. But it is bad and covers most of my body. So add that to my super morbidly obese body and I am a side show freak.  I will try even harder now to lose weight and do what I can to cover my skin, but unfortunately my face and ears and hands are pretty much covered. My insurance sucks and I can not afford to pay for humeria which clears me up really good. So I can only really work on my weight and pray that a miracle happens. I love the show Extreme Weight Loss with Chris Powell and have thought to write a letter to him for me and my husband. My son and I was watching and he asked me to please write a letter because he wants us to be healthy. So I told him that maybe he should write a letter and pour out all of his feelings in it and I wont be mad about anything he says. That is what started his tearful confession tonight. If I thought I had a chance to be chosen out of the hundreds of people who write to him I Would do it in a heartbeat. But I dont have that kind of luck. OK Its getting really hard to see through my tears. 
Later. 

First Time I made Chili!

So far it sucks!!! I was so excited but after adding all the seasoning it was a disappointment. My mom says its spicy enough but it doesn't take like chili! I know it doesn't taste like chili! I want it to taste like chili! I should have just used the box mix of seasoning. the only ingredients I didn't have were oregano and that majordomo stuff ( I know that's not the name but I always call it that) I see the box stuff has a few added seasonings paprika and cayenne pepper. I wish I would have done more research on chili before jumping in. But I have to be positive. I felt this way about my lasagna mix the first time I was making it. So I hope and pray it turns out edible! So if it does turn out good I am going to post the ingredients. If it doesn't well I will still post them so you know what NOT to do! hahaha. OK so other then this set back its been a good and busy day! That's good. I'm pretty happy. Ill post a different blog about the rest of the happening of the day! Laters!

Kinda Sorta Awak

Well Miss Bella Boo (big fat cat) has woken me up for the 2nd morning in a row. This time carrying a red stuffed mouse around in her mouth. I try to get her to come to me to play with it but no, its her baby not a toy so she doesn't want to play. Just meow and move from place to place. The hubby snores softly behind me on the couch as my bed is the floor with two double folded blankets and this weird blanket sheet thing to cover them. Everyone else is sleeping too. I wish it were that easy for me. The stress my family has been under lately helps me to stay awake. Though my eyes are burning from wanting to shut my mind is telling them to deal with it they have gotten even less sleep many other times. I went to sleep around 1:30/2:00 a.m so I have not gotten that much sleep as it is. In a few hours everyone will be awake, my sis (who shares this apartment with our mom and now has graciously saved us from sleeping in our van) will get up first then get ready and leave for work, then I get up, usually before the 6:30 alarm to wake my almost 12 year old son up to get him ready for school. Since the honers (aka hubby) doesn't have to be to work until 12:34 this afternoon he will continue to sleep while I get dressed and take our son to school. Then I when I get back he will be awake and playing Madden 25 on the XBOX 360 and playing Avengers on Facebook and I Will be wishing my bed blankets were still laying out on the floor so I could crawl down and go back to sleep. But he will play until almost to late and ask me to make his lunch for work while he showers. I'll ride with him praying the entire time that we make it there safely after he informs me that he doesn't want to hear anything about how fast he's driving since he doesn't want to be late to work. Now don't get me wrong he is a good guy and if I really really really really cant get up he will take our son to school, but that's usually only if he has to go somewhere before work or I really really really really don't feel well or am having pain. He isn't a bad guy at all, he just needs his sleep to keep aware at work. Him working right now is super important for us even if he doesn't make enough for us to move into our own place. I am looking and have been looking for a job and am having no luck. Dang my age, weight, skin disease and lack of outside the home job skills. Ive done day care most of my life and the kids don't care what I look like. but i am almost positive businesses don't want a morbidly obese lady with psoriasis showing all over to great their guests! I know, i know, i cant thing this way but this is when the "sometimes its a pity party' hits! DON'T worry it never lasts long.
Oh wait I think my eyes are winning over my brain right now! I am going to try to go catch some more ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz's before I have to get up with the alarm.  Laters!